Maybe some players’ idea of a race is if you both have the same number of hole cards

I have some mega hates in this pro poker lark. Number one is that I hate players who give verbal to the dealer. I know winning is important and there’s a lot of money involved, but how can you blame the dealer? It’s mind-blowing. How many factors go into a hand being dealt? I’ve even seen some people ask for a new deck to change their luck. Don’t they know it’s unlucky to be superstitious?

As an example, in two consecutive WSOP tournaments this year when down to the last 20-odd players I went out with A-A against K-K all-in pre-flop; with both hands the winner became nearly chip leader and yes, you’ve guessed it, on both occasions it was the same dealer.

Did I blame the dealer? Damn right I did! I got up from my seat, told the guy what a complete tosser he was, jumped up on the table and knocked him sparko with one swift right hook. Well, that’s what happened in my head, but my brain went into autopilot and I wished everyone good luck, left the cardroom and tried to call my former boss to ask if I could have my old job back.

Whoa! Stop right there. Did I just give you a bad beat tale? Oh shit, I did – that’s another of my pet hates. It’s a golden rule among pro players that you never discuss bad beats and to all you poker players out there that’s a great rule to follow. As a well-known poker player once said, 50 percent of the people you tell don’t care and the other 50 percent are glad you lost!

Anyway, while I’m ranting here’s another pet hate. If you don’t know the odds in a hand shut the f♠♥♣ up. Please. This one is a killer when a lump outdraws you and then lets you know that he was actually favourite. Hold on, let me take that back, as it’s actually a good way to confirm that you’re playing against total no-hopers. So know your odds and find out who the fish are. The latest ‘odds expert’ was a player at Brighton currently in the top five in the European rankings asking to win a race holding 9-3 against A-Q. Are you having a larf? Maybe some players’ idea of a race is if you both have the same number of hole cards… That would explain some people’s questionable theories.

My last hate is probably a bit kinky, but I want some people arrested by the fashion police. Especially those with thousands in their pockets but still wearing their grandad’s trousers held up with a plastic belt. Plastic belts – now you’ve really got me going…